Bear News Beartown News

FEBRUARY 1, 2011

HUMOR

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
 I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

OBSERVATIONS

Gaseous clouds have been detected
around Uranus.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
GUN CONTROL: using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
The latest survey shows that
three out of four people make
up 75% of the population.
Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'.

OBSERVATIONS

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'smart'?
The original point and click interface   was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money  
can throw one hell of a party.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistakes USE BIRTH CONTROL
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies.  .........Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you. 
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.
Friends don't let friends take ugly
people home.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:  
At least we're not Mississippi
I tried to call the zoo the other day but all the lions were busy.


 

 

DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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