Bear News Beartown News
February 1, 2011

THE COUNTRY CORNER

Small Town VERMONT

Third Street is on the edge of town.
Every sport is played on dirt.
Someone asks you how you feel, and actually listens to what you say.
The pickups on the main street outnumber cars three to one.
You dial a wrong number and talk for a half hour anyway.
The airport runway is terraced.
You don't need to use your turn signal, because everyone knows where you're going.
You drive into the ditch three miles from town, and the news gets back to town before you do.
You miss a Sunday at church and receive get well cards.


CANADA

When attending large Newfoundland luncheons
You will feast upon cod tongues and scruncheons.
And for part of your meal
Pie from flippers of seal
Which they've bonked on the noggin with truncheons.

Flute-like brook babbling over a rock
Lark's cadenza, crow's saxophone squak.
Orchestrated around
The strong rhythmical sound
Of my snow shovel scraping the ground.

In the winter, my doctor friend notes,
The Conservatives suffer sore throats.
And the reason for that
Is they keep on their Hat-
Fields but get rid of their Coates.

I salute the Prime Minister's pluck
As he struggles to save us a buck
But this poem is not done
Since he cut off my fun-
Ding.

BAROMETRIC
COUNTRY
VARMINT

 

Betimes, on February second,
Which date subconsciously is reconed,
Obedient to some inner urge,
The drowsy groundhog doth resurge.
His cautious little upthrust snout
Presents the primal vernal sprout;
He sniffs the air and scans the skies,
A furry prophet weatherwise.
Aspect and inference contrast,
He longs for heavens overcast,
But should he chance to glimpse the sun,
It starts him straightway on the run

A sign he is too early out,
Beyond the shadow of a doubt,
Earthbound he vanishes from view.


ARKANSAS

A well-to-do man died and left his entire estate to his beloved widow; but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
A customer called the front desk from his room and said, "I gotta leak in my sink." The desk clerk replied, "Go ahead."
You can tell that an Arkansas redneck is married if there is tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
The minimum drinking age has been raised to 30. They want to keep alcohol out of high schools.
Reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck and says to the driver, "Got any I. D.?" The driver replies: "Bout whut?"
The Govenor's Mansion burned to the ground. It took out the whole trailer park and the library. Both books whent up in smoke and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
A new law just passed states that when you are divorced you are still brother and sister.

Old USA TV

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good night, David; Good night, Chet";
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.
 
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Lois Lane, Father Knows Best,
Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie's test,
Donna Reed on Thursday night,
Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white; Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives,
Good guys always won the fights
Now nothin's the way it seems
In living color or on the screen
I wanna go back to black and white.
 
In God they trusted, in bed they slept
A promise made was a promise kept They never cussed or broke their vows
They'd never make the network now
But if I could I'd rather be
In a TV town in the '50s
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
 
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white.

3D Animated Flags Courtesy of 3DFlags.com

 

Email: dernc@sover.net


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by VTweb.com