NEWS
New
Age Limit for the Draft
New
Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am
over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military (up
until recently the age cutoff was 35). They've got the whole thing
ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they
ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us
more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the
enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be
cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.
"My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry." We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some
asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and
shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up
before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so, what the
hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and
can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing
some fanatical son-of-a-bitch."
If captured, we couldn't spill the beans
because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and
serial number would be a real
brainteaser.
Boot camp would be
easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at
and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation
for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out
of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle
course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single
20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do
any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the
running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of
him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with
a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap
has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our
kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them
off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty
rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to
see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and
automatic weapons who know that their best years are already
behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border
patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
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NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
-
CEO
--Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO--
Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET
-- A random market movement causing an
investor to mistake himself for a financial
genius.
BEAR MARKET
-- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get
no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and
the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING
-- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO
-- The percentage of investors wetting their
pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER
-- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR
-- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST
-- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT
-- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split
your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER
-- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION
-- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW--
The movement your money makes as it
disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO
-- What you yell after selling it to some
poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS
-- What you jump out of when you're the
sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR
-- Past year investor who's now locked up in
a nuthouse.
PROFIT
-- An archaic word no longer in use.
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