Bear News Beartown News

SEPTEMBER 1, 2004


NEWS

DOG DAZE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle.... "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever,"
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ...
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."


ADVICE TO THE 40 YEAR OLDS - PLUS

Many "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
 
A nose ring and bifocals
 
Spiked hair and bald spots
 
A pierced tongue and dentures
 
Miniskirts and support hose
 
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
 
Speedo's and cellulite
 A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
 
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
 
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
 
Bikinis and liver spots
 
Short shorts and varicose veins
 In-line skates and a walker
 Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop in BEARTOWN.

Washington D.C.
(REP. Convention see Mystery Page)

Citing "significant cost savings," President George W. Bush today outsourced the fall election to a call center in Bangalore, India.
Mr. Bush said that by having all voting and vote-counting take place in Bangalore, the U.S. will save up to $3 billion, which could be used to finance democracy in Iraq.
After votes are tallied, the president said, customer service representatives at the Bangalore call center will notify the American people of the results and also offer them technical assistance for their notebook computers and wireless devices.
Additionally, the winner of the fall election will make his acceptance speech simply by pressing
"1" on his phone, while the loser will concede by pressing "2."
But moments after Mr. Bush outsourced the election, Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry blasted the decision, arguing that it would be impossible for a fair election to be held in Bangalore since Mr. Bush's approval rating in that city currently stands at 98%.
Mr. Bush's popularity in Bangalore has soared steadily since taking office as a result of the 9.8 million jobs he has created there.
At one of Bangalore's largest call centers, where customer service representatives are undergoing a six-week training program to "sound American," worker Rajenda Jamal offered a typical view:
"George W. Bush rules, much like the popular singer Christina Aguilera, who also rules."
Mr. Jamal's opinion of Sen. Kerry, however, was less charitable:
"John Kerry does not rule at all -- to the contrary, he sucks. Dude."
Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge revealed today that he was
"a metrosexual American," adding, "Orange is the new yellow."


LIFE

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming:
" -- WOW-- What a Ride!"


Email: dernc@sover.net


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by VTweb.com