NEWS
ARTICLES
THIS MONTH
(if
space permits)
4-H Girls
Win Prizes for Fat Calves
Mowry Falls Apart,
Shoots 85
Big Busts Indicate
Drug War Working
ExPresident Clinton's
Problems are Mounting
Giant Women's Study
Short of Volunteers
Judge Presses
Jackson's Suit
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Broadcasters to
Look Into Plunging Gowns
March Planned for
Next October
Breaking Wind Could
Cut Costs
Case of Stolen
Whiskey Expected to go to Jury
STUDENT
DAFFYNITIONS
(it's
back to school time)
ADULT: One who has stopped growing,
except in the middle.
AIR CASTLE: A dwelling where the kitchen
and laundry are omitted but the garage included.
AMERICANISM: Voting to set the speed limit
at 50 and demanding a car which will do 100.
COLLEGE: A thing hard to select because
you can't be sure whether a large or a small university
would make your father wiser.
COLLEGE DEAN: A man who doesn't know enough
to be a wise professor but who is too smart to be a
president
DISCRETION: A comb that experience hands us
after we have lost our hair.
EDUCATION: That which enables you to get
into more intelligent trouble.
FALL: Season in which we connive to
secure tickets and fight our way into the stadium to see
football overemphasized.
IGNORANCE: That which everybody has some
of, only in different subjects.
INTELLIGENCE TESTS: Describing a spiral stairway
or an accordian without using your hands.
LEADER: One who sees which way the
world is going and then steps in at the head.
PHILOSOPHY: The science which enables us to
be unhappy more intelligently.
PSYCHOLOGY: The science which tells us
things everybody already knows about human personality in
language which few of us can understand.
TEACHER: A person who swore he would
starve before teaching and has done both ever since.
WILLOWY MAIDEN: Skinny girl with a wealthy
father.
YOUNGER GENERATION: A group of persons alike in
many disrespects.
Did
somebody say
Beartown?
|
CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A WOMAN
Scientists have finally made public this
long awaited report.
SYMBOL: WO
ACCEPTED
WEIGHT:
120
OCCURRENCE: Wherever man is
found.
PHYSICAL
PROPERTIES: Boils at nothing, freezes in a minute,
melts at less than room temperature with proper treatment.
Very bitter if neglected or improperly used.
CHEMICAL
PROPERTIES: Great affinity for Gold, Platinum, Silver,
and Precious Stones. Violent reaction if left alone. Able
to absorb great amounts of food matter. Turns green when
placed beside better-looking specimens.
USES: Highly ornamental.
Useful as a tonic in the acceleration of low spirits.
Useful as an equalizer in the redistribution of wealth.
NOTE: Probably the most
effective income-reducing agent known to man.
CAUTION: Highly explosive
in inexperienced hands. Very complex and results in many
unexplainable actions. Highly unpredictable; should be
watched at all times.
NEW YORK CITY
VIDEO CAM
COOLING OFF
|
