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NEWS

PERSONAL ADS
(Dublin, Ireland)

Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this

cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

BEARTOWN POLICE REPORT

The old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but my stepfather refused to get rid of it. When the junker was stolen from his office parking lot, the family was delighted. Nonetheless, we called the police. Our relief was short-lived. Within an hour an officer was back on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain his mirth. "It had a note on it: 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

MY KIND of COW
(from The Caledonian-Record 7/19/04)

At noon, many Vermont politicians, local and statewide, stepped up to participate in the milking contest that takes place every year.
The winner of the contest receives a plaque that designates him or her as having "the most pull in the Northeast Kingdom." ...
Bernie Sanders got kicked by the cow as he was milking her.

DRAFTED

In 1968, Herman James, a West Virginia Mountain man, was drafted by the army.
On his first day of boot camp, the army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his second day, the army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an army barber sheared his head.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.
The army is still looking for him.

Washington D.C.

Congress has announced that the Office of President of the United States will be outsourced to overseas as of August 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead. "The cost savings will be quite significant" says
Congressman Adam Smith (D - Wash) who, with the aid Congress research arm, the General Accounting Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage," Congressman Smith said.
Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend lately, ironically at the urging of President Bush. Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period, he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment insurance for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required limit.
"I'm in shock," Mr. Bush stated. "I thought fer sure I'd have some job security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now," he further lamented.
Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Mr. Sanji Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the Office of President of the United States as of September 1.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 USD a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due to the time difference between the US and India,
Mr. Singh will be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.
"I am excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President someday."
Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of
concern. The Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as these scripting tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the US. Such scripts will enable Mr. Singh to
provide an answer without having to fully understand the issue itself."
Congress continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice-president and most Cabinet positions

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