Bear News Beartown News

AUGUST 1, 2003



In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying, "It's a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it's strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good, And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.


Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Mortgaging a future crop is saddling a wobbly colt.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one doesn't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles, some even have rivers to cross.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Lazy and Quarrelsome are ugly sisters.


Question: What is the truest definition of
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!  And this is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology.
And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use
Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean-made monitors assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by
Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian
longshoremen, trucked by
Mexican illegal aliens, and finally sold to you. That, my friend, is Globalization


An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the
Indian Reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in
your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running
it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!




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