AUGUST 1, 2002
POSTAL RATES INCREASE 10%+
AL GORE'S EUROPEAN VACATION
Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he was invited to tea with the Queen.
He asked her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asked how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phoneed Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and said, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decided he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He called Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill. I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hums and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child , and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer!! I know who it is!! It's Colin Powell!"
Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
BEARTOWN AGRICULTURAL SOCIETY takes STANCE on MICRO-CHIPS
The Beartown Agricultural Society isfirmly opposed to the spread of micro-chips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.
PROCEDURES QUESTIONED at MEDICAL CLINIC
A woman went to the doctors offices where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the office, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?
If anyone receives mail entitled:
Please delete it WITHOUT
reading it. This is a warning for all internet users - there is a
dangerous virus propagating across the internet through an e-mail
message entitled "PENPAL GREETINGS!"
DO NOT DOWNLOAD ANY MESSAGE ENTITLED
NEW RULES for BEARTOWN'S MUNICIPAL WORKERS
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.
Did somebody say Beartown?
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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