Bear News Beartown News

AUGUST 1, 2002




Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he was invited to tea with the Queen.
He asked her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to  surround herself with intelligent people. He asked how she knows if  they're  intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the  Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phoneed Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please  answer this  question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and  this  child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She  hangs up and said, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"
"Yes, ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" 
 Upon returning home, he decided he'd better put some of his old friends  to  the test. He called Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill. I wonder  if you can  answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?"
"Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this  child  is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Clinton hums and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get  back  to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls  members  of his old staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but  nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton  calls  Colin Powell at the State Department and  explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child  , and your  father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who  is it?" 
Powell answers immediately,
"It's me, of course, you idiot." 
Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the  answer!! I know who it is!! It's Colin Powell!"
Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."


The Beartown Agricultural Society is firmly opposed to the spread of micro-chips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.


 A woman went to the doctors offices where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the office, screaming as she ran down the hall.  An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening,  he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?  Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

Penpal Virus

If anyone receives mail entitled: PENPAL GREETINGS! Please delete it WITHOUT reading it. This is a warning for all internet users - there is a dangerous virus propagating across the internet through an e-mail message entitled "PENPAL GREETINGS!" DO NOT DOWNLOAD ANY MESSAGE ENTITLED "PENPAL GREETINGS!"
     This message appears to be a friendly letter asking you if you are interested in a penpal, but by the time you read this letter, it is too late. The "trojan horse" virus will have already infected the boot sector of your hard drive, destroying all of the data present. It is a self-replicating virus, and once the message is read, it will
AUTOMATICALLY forward itself to anyone who's e-mail address is present in YOUR mailbox!
     This virus will
DESTROY your hard drive, and holds the potential to DESTROY the hard drive of anyone whose mail is in your inbox, and who's mail is in their inbox, and so on. If this virus remains unchecked, it has the potential to do a great deal of DAMAGE to computer networks worldwide!!!
     Please, delete the message entitled
"PENPAL GREETINGS!" as soon as you see it! And pass this message along to all of your friends and relatives, and the other readers of the newsgroups and mailing lists which you are on, so that they are not hurt by this dangerous virus!!!


In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.
If the employee's
Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with time paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.


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Did somebody say Beartown?


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