Bear News Beartown News

AUGUST 1, 2001



Judge: You are here to get a divorce?
Farmer: Yea, I want to get one of them dayvorces.
J: Well, do you have any grounds?
F: Yea, I got about 200 acres.
J: No, you don't understand, do you have a case?
F: No, I don't have a Case, but I do have a John Deere.
J: No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?
F: Yea I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.
J: No sir, I mean do you have a suit?
F: Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.
J: (exasperated) Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?
F: No sir, we both get up about 4:30.
J: Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
F: Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.


I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Still Miss You Baby but My Aim is Gettin' Better
Her Teeth Were Stained but Her Heart was Pure
Please Bypass This Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
Mama Get a Hammer, There's a Fly On Papa's Head
I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling

Did somebody say


Farmer Jones's horse fell down into an old well. The animal whinnied for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do,
Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be filled in anyway, so he invited all his neighbors over to assist him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the horse realized what was happening and began to loudly whinny once again. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few minutes later, the farmer looked down into the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the horse was doing something amazing. He would shake off the dirt that hit his back and take a step up. As the farmer's helpers continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, the horse stepped over the edge of the well and trotted away.
MORAL: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well, is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest well, just by stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Government & Bureaucracy

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's Prayer: 66 words
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words
Ten Commandments: 179 words
Gettysburg Address: 286 words
Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
U. S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words


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