Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2007



Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.....
It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to my country".

The latest telephone poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
A) 35% of respondents answered:
"Yes, it is a serious problem."
B) 65% of respondents answered:
"No es una problema serio."


1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Vishul C++
11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
13. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
14. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
15. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
16. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
17. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...
18. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
19. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates



From a young poke plant get sticks and leaves
Fill up your washtub and roll up your sleeves
Dip em down and wash em real hard
Add a little salt and a handful of lard
Cook em till they're tender real soft and sweet
A lot of folks add a little cottontail meat
You can cook chicken eggs in your wild poke greens
Fresh green onions and canned green beans
You can serve em with vinegar and some like em fried
People say they're poison but I haven't died
From Gourmet Style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was "performing".  Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.  But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  So, John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.  But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making:
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention!!


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by