NEWS
TODAY'S WORLD HISTORY LESSON
The two most
important events in all of history were the
(1) invention of beer and
(2) the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundations of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was
the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle
nor aluminum can were invented yet, so our early human
ancestors just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was
the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly
BBQ's and doing the sewing, weaving and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of "the
Liberal movement." Some of these
liberal men
eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as
'girleymen.' Some
noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of cats, the
trade union, class action lawsuits, the invention of
group therapy & group hugs and the concept of democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives
provided.
Over the years, conservatives
came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land
animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like
imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but
like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food
are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most
of their women have higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, hairdressers, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals.
Liberals invented baseball's designated
hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the
pitcher also bat.
(continued in second column)
|
RECIPE
CITY SLICKER STEW
If
ya live in the city or a great big town
And there ain't many road kills layin around
Check your front porch every now and then
And cook what the dog or the cat drug in
Or walk outside by your picture window glass
And find dead birds layin there in the grass
You can shoot things or trap em or set up a snare
Ya might catch a possum or a snowshoe hare
If ya check with your lawyer or the FDA
We could have roadkill meat in the stores someday
From
Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking
by Jeff Eberbaugh
(continued from first
column)
Conservatives
drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes.
Conservatives
are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, soldiers,
self-employed, athletes & generally anyone who works
productively outside government.
Conservatives
who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a
living.
Liberals produce
little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what to do with the production.
They also like to take money away from successful
people and give it to the failures.
Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That
is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame &
created a business of trying to get MORE for
nothing.
Thus ends this lesson in world history.
|
