Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2006



The two most important events in all of history were the (1) invention of beer and (2) the invention of the wheel.  The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.  These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:  Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so our early human ancestors just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, weaving and hair dressing. This was the beginning of "the Liberal movement." Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, class action lawsuits, the invention of group therapy & group hugs and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, hairdressers, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented baseball's designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
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If ya live in the city or a great big town
And there ain't many road kills layin around
Check your front porch every now and then
And cook what the dog or the cat drug in
Or walk outside by your picture window glass
And find dead birds layin there in the grass
You can shoot things or trap em or set up a snare
Ya might catch a possum or a snowshoe hare
If ya check with your lawyer or the FDA
We could have roadkill meat in the stores someday
From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh

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Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, self-employed, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. They also like to take money away from successful people and give it to the failures. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Thus ends this lesson in world history.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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