Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2004


NEWS

BEARTOWN  POLICE REPORT

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on Main Street. Suddenly the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the right thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious Beartown police officer.
The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door.
She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He says,
"I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."
"I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

HOT  LINE

An elderly lady called her telephone company to report that when her friends called, her phone usually failed to ring. On the occasions when it did ring, her dog, who was tethered in her yard, always moaned right before
the phone rang.  The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see if this was a case of a senile elderly lady or of a psychic dog. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test-set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away. Then, the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
The repairman climbed down from the pole and, upon investigation, discovered the following:

The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 
The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 
After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

The wet ground would complete the circuit, causing the phone to ring.
All of which shows that some problems CAN be solved by pissing and moaning.

HYMNS for ALL THINGS


The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:...............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:...................... There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:................. Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:..............Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:............Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:..........Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn:......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn.....He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:..................... The Great Physician
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AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph.........God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph.............Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph.......This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph..............Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph........Precious Memories
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Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.


Email: dernc@sover.net


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