Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2002


Pastor's Wife's New Dress

The poor Beartown Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with a $225.00 reciept for a new dress she had just purchased.  "What made you do this?" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress.  Then I found myself trying it on.  It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress.  You should but it!'"
"Well," the Pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him!  Just tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"
"I did," replied the wife, "But then he said 'It looks great from back here, too!'"

Observation of the BEARTOWN Highway Department

A customer stopped at a Beartown gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the Beartown Highway Department," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us-me, Kirby, and Dudley. I dig the hole, Kirby sticks in the tree, and Dudley here puts the dirt back. Now just because Kirby's sick, that don't mean that Dudley and me can't work."

FIRE at BEARTOWN Chemical Company

June 21, a fire started inside the Beartown
Chemical Plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from miles
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact."

The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the
firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of
men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a super-human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking. "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck."

Beartown's First Female Police Officer?

The Beartown Constable was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The Constable says,
"Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says,
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The Constable angrily responds,
"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks,
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."
The Constable is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."



A substitute minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon completed, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
'We Shall Gather at the River'."

Did somebody say Beartown?


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