NEWS
WHY
DOES THE US HAVE AN OIL SHORTAGE?
Beartown
Consulting has issued its long awaited report. The answer
is simple. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't
know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely
geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas,
Louisiana, Wyoming, and Alaska. All the dipsticks are in
Washington, DC.
HAPPY
100th BIRTHDAY
Beartown's
oldest resident, Miss Annabelle Flately, was interviewed
on her one hundredth birthday. The questions were
concentrated on her longevity.
"Do you smoke?"
"Used to."
"Drink?"
"Been known to."
"Diet?"
"Eat pretty
much what I've a mind to."
"Sicknesses?"
"Never."
"Do you mean
that in 100 years you've never been bedridden?"
"No," Miss Annabelle exclaimed eagerly,
"but I had it
once in a buggy!
911
CONFUSION
Bubba and
his wife recently relocated to Beartown from Mississsippi.
Unfortunately his wife, Emily Sue, passed away and Bubba
called 911.
"Where do you
live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied,
"At the end of Ctalpa Turnpike."
The operator asked,
"Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long
pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her down
to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Did
somebody say
Beartown?
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BEARTOWN TOURISM COMMISSION VISITORS
GUIDE
(FREE to ALL VISITORS)
It's called a "gravel road". No
matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your BMW. We have 4 wheel drives because we need them.
Drive your foreign car or get it out of the way.
That
round-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast
than you'll do all week at work or at the gym. How'd you
like to go home and tell your friends you got your butt
kicked by a hick farmer in bib overalls?
We all
started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old. We
saw Bambi and we got over it.
Any
references to "corn fed" when talking about our
women will get your butt kicked... by our women.
Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Flyrod. Don't cry to
us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a
name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for... bait.
If
that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope
you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
That's
right, whiskey is only 4 bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid for a shot in the airport.
No,
there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's
Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. Yes,
we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with 2 packets of
sugar and a long spoon.
So you
have a 60-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We
have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use one
month a year.
Let's
get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
Our
women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
Yeah,
we eat eel, bullheads, and turtle. You want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
There
are pigs here. Yes, they smell. Get over it. Don't like
it? I-91 goes two ways and I-89 goes the other two. Pick
one.
The
"opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's a holiday held the second Saturday before
Thanksgiving. You can get breakfast at 4AM.
So
every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
Now,
enjoy your visit and then go home!!!
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