Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2001



Beartown Consulting has issued its long awaited report. The answer is simple. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, and Alaska. All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.


Beartown's oldest resident, Miss Annabelle Flately, was interviewed on her one hundredth birthday. The questions were concentrated on her longevity.
"Do you smoke?"
"Used to."
"Been known to."
"Eat pretty much what I've a mind to."
"Do you mean that in 100 years you've never been bedridden?"
"No," Miss Annabelle exclaimed eagerly, "but I had it once in a buggy!


Bubba and his wife recently relocated to Beartown from Mississsippi. Unfortunately his wife, Emily Sue, passed away and Bubba called 911.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Ctalpa Turnpike."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her down to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Did somebody say


It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. We have 4 wheel drives because we need them. Drive your foreign car or get it out of the way.
That round-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at work or at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your friends you got your butt kicked by a hick farmer in bib overalls?
We all started hunting and fishing when we were 9 years old. We saw Bambi and we got over it.
Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked... by our women.
Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Flyrod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for... bait.
If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
That's right, whiskey is only 4 bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for a shot in the airport.
No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. Yes, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with 2 packets of sugar and a long spoon.
So you have a 60-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use one month a year.
Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
Yeah, we eat eel, bullheads, and turtle. You want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
There are pigs here. Yes, they smell. Get over it. Don't like it? I-91 goes two ways and I-89 goes the other two. Pick one.
The "opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a holiday held the second Saturday before Thanksgiving. You can get breakfast at 4AM.
So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
Now, enjoy your visit and then go home!!!


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