Bear News Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2007



Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselor s called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.  

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1956 - In a short time Johnny's better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.



If ya need to spice up your soup or a stew
And if ya don't have anything better to do
Sharpen up your ramp hoe and grab a sac
And tell your old lady when your gonna be back
Dig a bunch of ramps and put em down in your poke
Then put em in a bucket of water to soak
Cook em outside at a ragin boil
Cover up the top with some luminum foil
You can cook em just a while or cook em real long
Any way ya cook em they're gonna be strong
Add a pinch er two of salt and a wee bit of lard
You can cook em all night if ya don't get tired
Every little while you can stir em with a stick
I'd keep the bucket and throw the ramps in the crick
Then I'd take an onion and ya know what I'd do
I'd go ahead and spice up my soup er my stew

From Gourmet Style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told b y state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, and blows up a red ant bed.
1956 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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