Bear News Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2004


NEWS

CLASSIFIEDS

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT
SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON TOWN HIGHWAY 7 NEAR BEARTOWN STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.


Operation Pig Water
 

In an effort to discourage Islamic extremists, U.S.-lead Coalition Forces have secretly begun smearing scientifically “altered” pig fat onto the bodies of dead and captured terrorists, according to a undisclosed official U.S. source. This same official says that the pig fat has been scientifically altered and the final product is colorless, odorless and has the consistency of “water.”
“Operation Pig Water” was developed from the Islamic belief that any contact with a pig is an “unholy” act that will deny any believer access to heaven.
“We needed to do something to discourage terrorists from thinking they will go to heaven when they die fighting infidels or coalition forces,” says the undisclosed official U.S. source. When we kill or capture a terrorist, we smear them with this new pig “water” so they will go where we want them to go – to hell!”
When asked, the official confirmed the prohibition against bringing pork products into Moslem countries, but would not describe exactly how or where the
pig fat oil (water) is being transported. However, the speculation is that this scientifically altered pig fat or “water” is being transported into Afghanistan and Iraq and other neighboring areas where terrorists are known to harbor.
The official went on to say that, in addition to wiping or smearing dead and captured terrorists with this
“pig water,” all munitions have also been treated with the same pig “water.” So, if terrorists believe that what they’re doing will send them to heaven for their evil deeds, they’re wrong. They’re actually begging for a one-way ticket to hell!”
“Furthermore, only a few top U.S.-lead Coalition Forces personnel know about
‘Operation Pig Water.’ Because the pig ‘water’ so closely resembles water, U.S.-lead Coalition Forces soldiers don’t ask and really don’t care about what they’re doing. To them they’re just following orders. It’s our secret way of striking terror in the hearts and minds of all ruthless and barbaric terrorists who care nothing about freedom and innocent lives, said the official source,” who refuses to say where or how long “Operation Pig Water” has been employed.

OVERHEARD in the BEARTOWN  COURT

`You seem to be in some distress,' said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?'
`Well, your Honor,' said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.'

Barge Capsizes Approaching Nude Beach

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) -- A double-decker party barge capsized when dozens of passengers moved to one side of the boat as it approached Texas' only nude beach. Sixty people on the boat were rescued Sunday from Lake Travis, including two with minor injuries, authorities said.
The accident happened during Splash Day, a semiannual event hosted at the clothing-optional area by the Austin Tavern Guild, a gay and lesbian bar association.
Witnesses said that all of the people aboard the barge moved to one side after it was tied up at Hippie Hollow, the only public nude beach in Texas, creating uneven distribution and making it tilt. ``As the captain was running upstairs to tell them to move away from the railing, it capsized,'' dumping its passengers into about 39 feet of water, Travis County sheriff's spokesman Roger Wade said. Wade said it was unclear why the people all were on one side of the boat.
Krista Umscheid, a spokeswoman for the Lower Colorado River Authority, said everyone aboard was safe.


OBITUARY

 Larry La Pries has gone forever...
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Pries, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


THE  POPE
During a Papal audience, a businessman approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again, this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted. At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."



Email: dernc@sover.net


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