Bear News Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2002


Constable makes Multiple Arrests

On May 27th the Beartown Constable pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman managed to bully his way into a elderly woman's home on the end of Lost Hollow Road.
"This machine is the best ever!" he exclaims, while pouring a bag of dirt over the  carpet in the front room.
The woman says she was really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says,
"If this machine doesn't remove all the dirt completely, I'll lick it off myself."
"Let me get you some jelly," she says, turning toward the kitchen.
"That's no problem, ma'am, this beauty can suck up jelly in a blink!" the salesman says proudly.
"Oh, it not to vacuum, it's to help you... We're not connected to electricity yet."


A man who just left the Beartown Brewery and smelled like beer sat down in a Beartown Transit bus seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of beer was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Murder or Suicide?

On Feb 3, 2002 the medical examiner viewed the body of Roland Smith and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr. Smith had jumped from the top of an eight-storey building, Beartown's tallest, intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past
the fifth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun
blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the fourth floor level to protect some building workers and that Roland Smith would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," said the ME, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Smith was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety
net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the fifth floor, where the shotgun
blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing heatedly and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went
through the window striking Mr. Smith.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the
murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr. Smith appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Roland Smith.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact,
Roland Smith.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the eight storey building on Feb. 3rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the fifth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Did somebody say Beartown?


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