Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2009


NEWS

New Stock Market Terms

CEO  Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO -  Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET  A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

  BEAR MARKET  a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
 

VALUE INVESTING  The art of buying low and selling lower.
     

P/E RATIO  The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

 BROKER  What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR  Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST  Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT  When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

 MARKET CORRECTION  The day after you buy stocks.

 CASH FLOW  The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO  What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

 WINDOWS  What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR

 Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT  an archaic word no longer in use.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines
one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG
 one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers
one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer
 one year ago, drank all the beer,
Then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,

you will have received $214.00.
     
Based on the above, the best current investment plan
is to drink heavily & recycle     It's called the   401-Keg.


DENVER (AP) -- Kelly Coffman-Lee wanted to tell the world about her love of tofu by picking the letters for her car's license plate. But her tofu fondness ran into a snafu at the Division of Motor Vehicles, which blocked her plan because they thought the combination of letters could be interpreted as profane. Her suggestion for the plate on her Suzuki: ''ILVTOFU.''.




Email: dernc@sover.net


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by VTweb.com