MAY 1, 2009
New Stock Market Terms
CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud OfficerBULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me. STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
Then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you will have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle It's called the 401-Keg.
DENVER (AP) -- Kelly Coffman-Lee wanted to tell the world about her love of tofu by picking the letters for her car's license plate. But her tofu fondness ran into a snafu at the Division of Motor Vehicles, which blocked her plan because they thought the combination of letters could be interpreted as profane. Her suggestion for the plate on her Suzuki: ''ILVTOFU.''.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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