Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2007


JUST call him FRED

After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred notices a photo of a man on her bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so into the relationship he begins to stress about it; even imagining the photo is staring at him doing the deed.
It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me, 6 months ago."

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of verbally giving you the finger!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.



Ditch line deer meat what a delight
Smashed on the road in the middle of the night
It might be a doe or a great big buck
Take steaks in return for the damage to your truck
Take the guts out and hang it in the shed
Strip off the hide and mount the head
Cut tenderloin steaks about two inches thick
Cook em real slow never cook em too quick
Remember when your eatin it's expensive meat
'Cause your grill and your fender are still in the street
Sell the mount to a lawyer that's too fat to hunt
He'll hang it in his den or or maybe out front
So any way you see it or any way it's said
You come out the loser and the deer's a head

From Gourmet Style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh

Distraught Senior


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."



Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by