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 MAY 1, 2004 |
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MAY 1, 2004 |
THINKERS ANONYMOUS
It started out innocently enough. I
began to think at parties now and then to loosen up.
Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon
I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -
"to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally
I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job.
I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I
couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at
lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would
return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly we are doing
here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Harry, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors ... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed ... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. Before long, I may even be able to vote Democrat.
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OFFICIAL 2004 DNC CONVENTION PROGRAM
6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:30pm - Anti-war rally no. 1. 6:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 7:00pm - Tribute theme to France. 7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund. 7:20pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast 7:25pm - Tribute theme to Spain. 7:45pm - Anti-war rally no. 2. (Moderated by Michael Moore) 8:00pm - John Kerry presents one side of the issues 8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop. 9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony. 9:30pm - * Intermission * 10:00pm - Flag burning ceremony no. 2. 10:15pm - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss. 10:30pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!' 10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to the UN. 11:00pm - Double gay marriage ceremony. 11:15pm - Maximizing Welfare workshop. 11:20pm - John Kerry presents the other side of the issues 11:30pm - 'Free Saddam' pep rally. 11:59pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 12:00am - Nomination of Democrat candidate. MARK
YOUR CALENDARS FOR SATURDAY June 5
AS YOU MAY
ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY
WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND HE MUST COMMIT
SUICIDE IF HE DOES.
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