MAY 1, 2003
A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," the wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" the woman asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," the wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
AXIS of EVIL WANNABEES
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil....in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils.....best at being evil.... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift as, within minutes, France surrendered.
Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable." With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics."
Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick" -- "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. Joe PO Box 46 Beartown You'll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.
FOR SALE: Beautiful engagement ring, yellow gold, wide band with 24 diamonds set in 3 rows of 4 diamonds on each side of one large round-cut center stone. Worn sparingly, for only 8 days. It didn't mean anything. It was just supposed to shut her up. Happy to be rid of it. First offer of $500. 655-6969
FOR SALE: Used tombstone perfect for someone named Amos Hubbard. Only one. 655-8060
FOR SALE: Used toilet paper. I have a wide selection of brands and designs. Call for details % prices. 655-0148
FOR SALE: One pair slightly used dentures,
only 2 teeth missing. $100 OBO Call Joe 655-9393
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