Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2002



Beartown's old Blacksmith, Levine Butler, realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice.
The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't
ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy.
"Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of
the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the
hammer over there,"
he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now Beartown is looking for a new blacksmith....


I got a call from a rocket scientist in April.  Certified NASA retired rocket scientist, Maxwell Smart, several years ago had  designed and built the gorgeous solar home on Pine Valley Road.  He had carefully calculated the height of the trees and angle of winter sun so to know how far to clear from the house site.  Now, just a few years later he is shocked to discover that the TREES GREW!!!   Was there something I could DO about that?
This is one example of why the office of TREE WARDEN still exists!!!


An elderly Beartown lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, and began screaming at the top of  her voice,
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to  the  police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself  in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by "
mad, elderly white woman , less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun."


Unique BEER???

Ely and Cecil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics for Beartown Airlines. Following the regular scheduled festivities for the celebration of Beartown Airlines receiving national recognition for PASSENGER SATISFACTION they wished to continue their drinking but were out of beverages.
Ely says "I've heard that jet fuel ain't too bad a drink. Wanna try it?"  So the two pour a couple of glasses of the high octane hootch.  After several repetitions, they are really loaded but manage to find the way to their homes.
The next morning Ely wakes up and is surprised how good he feels.  He really fells GREAT!  No hangover!  The phone rings; it's Cecil. 
Cecil says "How do you feel?"
Ely answers "Great, how about you?"
"I feel great, too.  You don't have a hangover?"
"No that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover whatsoever.  We'll have to do this more often."
"Well there's just one problem." says Cecil.
"What's that?" asks Ely.
"Have you passed gas yet today?"
"No." said Ely.
"Well don't.  I did and I'm in London!"


As usual, your community newspaper goes out of its way to service the community.  Since the announcement of the start of DAYLIGHT SAVINGS (this new business did not advertise with us) our complete staff  has worked hard to inform you of the location and phone number of this new financial institution without any success. So we now call on you, the residents of Beartown, for help in locating and identifying this new BANK.

Did somebody say Beartown?


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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