NEWS
Another
Patent
Our local
morning radio station host, Robert Boom-Boom Baskings, on
WOOF-FM has received a patent for a dual purpose tennis
racquet and snowshoe. These very practical items will be
available by next winter's snows. They are fully
interchangeable for either right or left feet or hands.
Various add-ons are available to make this ingenious
invention function as crutches, oars, bellows, TV and
radio antennas, and semaphore flags.
MERGERS
Hale
Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
R. Grace Co. have formed: Hale Mary Fuller Grace
Polygram Records,
Warner Brothers, Keebler Crackers are now: Polly-Warner-Cracker
3M and Goodyear are
now: MMM GOOD
John Deere and
Abitibi-Price have become: DEERE ABI
Zippo Mfg, Audi
Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining are called: ZIP
AUDI DO DA
Honeywell, Imasco,
and Home Oil became: HONEY I'M HOME
Denison Mines,
Alliance, and Metal Mining's name is: MINE ALL
MINE
FED EX and UPS are
now: FED UP
Xerox and Wurlitzer
merged and began manufacturing Reproductive
Organs
Knott"s Berry
Farm and the National Organization of Women have combined
to become: KNOTT NOW!
Sayings
for those who take life too Seriously
Save the
whales. Collect the whole set.
45.6 percent of all
statistics are made up.
99 percent of
lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember half the
people you know are below average.
He who laughs last;
thinks slowest.
Depression is
merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may
get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too
fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live
forever... so far so good.
Borrow money from a
pessimist... they don't expect it back.
Bacteria is the
only culture some people have.
The problem with
the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Get a new car for
your spouse... it will be a great trade!
You really never
learn how to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience
is usually a sign of a bad memory.
Experience is
something you don't get until just after you need it.
Two wrongs are only
the beginning.
Did
somebody say
Beartown?
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AMERICAN APOLOGY TO THE CHINESE
Dear China,
We're sorry that you don't train your
fighter pilots better. As a token of our concern, here is
a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We're sorry that your front-line fighter planes can't
outmaneuver a 35 year old, unarmed, fixed wing, prop-driven
heavy airliner on auto-pilot.
Perhaps you'd like to consider purchasing some surplus
1950's era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan. (We just
replaced theirs with shiny new F-16's)
We're sorry that you believe your territorial waters
extend all the way to Australia. For future reference,
here is an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please
take note of the Copyright information printed inside the
cover.)
We're sorry that you can't seem to see your part of this
incident. We know that it may seem easier to blame others
than to take responsibility. Consider this fact while we
build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in the
Republic of China (Taiwan).
We're especially sorry for treating you with such respect
for the last 8 years. We will definitely rethink this
policy and probably go back to treating you like a common,
untrustworthy street gang vermin very soon.
We're very sorry for ever granting you Most-Favored-Nation
trading status and supporting your entrance into the
World Trade Organization. Please rest assured that this
will be rectified at the earliest possible opportunity.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States of America
PS... We're tired of rice and faulty
products!
Happy, Healthy Family
Recipe
INGREDIENTS: Patience,
Respect, Caring, Love, Laughter, Hugs & Hand Holds,
Support, Foregiveness, Risk-taking, Honesty, Confidence,
Listening, Talking, Cheerfulness, Trust, Praise, Sharing,
Kindness
Gather together two or more persons of
various ages. Mix Laughter, Kindness, Cheerfulness
together in a large receptacle (indoors/outdoors). Stir
with Love and Care. Add Respect in ample amounts.
Generously add Hugs & Hand Holds. Blend with Patience
and Forgiveness as required. Continue stirring Risk-taking
until Trust and Confidence are lump-free. Spread Honesty
and Support and combine Listening and Talking in equal
amounts. Add Sharing time with respect for time alone.
Praise repeatedly.
Keep all ingredients active and well-blended for optimal
flavour.
For best results, hum, sing, and dance while preparing.
Also remember to enjoy, indulge, and rejoice.
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