Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2001


Another Patent

Our local morning radio station host, Robert Boom-Boom Baskings, on WOOF-FM has received a patent for a dual purpose tennis racquet and snowshoe. These very practical items will be available by next winter's snows. They are fully interchangeable for either right or left feet or hands.
Various add-ons are available to make this ingenious invention function as crutches, oars, bellows, TV and radio antennas, and semaphore flags.


Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. have formed: Hale Mary Fuller Grace
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, Keebler Crackers are now: Polly-Warner-Cracker
3M and Goodyear are now: MMM GOOD
John Deere and Abitibi-Price have become: DEERE ABI
Zippo Mfg, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining are called: ZIP AUDI DO DA
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil became: HONEY I'M HOME
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining's name is: MINE ALL MINE
FED EX and UPS are now: FED UP
Xerox and Wurlitzer merged and began manufacturing Reproductive Organs
Knott"s Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women have combined to become: KNOTT NOW!

Sayings for those who take life too Seriously

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
45.6 percent of all statistics are made up.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever... so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist... they don't expect it back.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Get a new car for your spouse... it will be a great trade!
You really never learn how to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Did somebody say


Dear China,

We're sorry that you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our concern, here is a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.
We're sorry that your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35 year old, unarmed, fixed wing, prop-driven heavy airliner on auto-pilot.
Perhaps you'd like to consider purchasing some surplus 1950's era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan. (We just replaced theirs with shiny new F-16's)
We're sorry that you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here is an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please take note of the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)
We're sorry that you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know that it may seem easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this fact while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in the Republic of China (Taiwan).
We're especially sorry for treating you with such respect for the last 8 years. We will definitely rethink this policy and probably go back to treating you like a common, untrustworthy street gang vermin very soon.
We're very sorry for ever granting you Most-Favored-Nation trading status and supporting your entrance into the World Trade Organization. Please rest assured that this will be rectified at the earliest possible opportunity.


The People of the United States of America

PS... We're tired of rice and faulty products!

Happy, Healthy Family Recipe

INGREDIENTS: Patience, Respect, Caring, Love, Laughter, Hugs & Hand Holds, Support, Foregiveness, Risk-taking, Honesty, Confidence, Listening, Talking, Cheerfulness, Trust, Praise, Sharing, Kindness

Gather together two or more persons of various ages. Mix Laughter, Kindness, Cheerfulness together in a large receptacle (indoors/outdoors). Stir with Love and Care. Add Respect in ample amounts. Generously add Hugs & Hand Holds. Blend with Patience and Forgiveness as required. Continue stirring Risk-taking until Trust and Confidence are lump-free. Spread Honesty and Support and combine Listening and Talking in equal amounts. Add Sharing time with respect for time alone. Praise repeatedly.
Keep all ingredients active and well-blended for optimal flavour.
For best results, hum, sing, and dance while preparing. Also remember to enjoy, indulge, and rejoice.


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