Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2000


Dick Hanson's appendix

For several weeks I felt quite glum,
As if I'd been out on a bum,
I said to my doc and he's no quack,
My whole insides is out of whack.
He said, "Why Dick, beneath your vest,
An old appendix got its nest.
You've got to have that darn thing out,
Or you'll be going up the spout.
Right now, you're due for big repairs,
Or you'll be climbing them golden stairs."

So I went with him to that there Hospital,
Where lots of fools had lost their wads,
And been ripped open with their rods.
When we got there, folks was running up and down the stairs,
But they took me to a dandy place,
Where they diagnosed my case.
They said I was in awful shape,
And that they'd just cut out that ache,
And all the parts would fit back in,
Except the hair upon my skin.
But it didn't matter much, they said,
'Cause when it was over I'd probably be dead.

So they took me down to the appendix plant;
Gee-mimee, how it made me pant!
There stood three doctors in a row.
The first one hollered, "Let her go."
He sharpened his knife and tied me to a pole,
Then he very slowly cut the hole.
The second reached in with a pair of shears,
And pulled out the appendix with the greatest ease.
Then the third one hollered, "Nine hundred fifty, please."

Presto-chango, the job was done.
The thing was out, I'd had my fun.
I ate my soup and paid my bill,
And I thank the Lord I'm with you still.


I am 4 years old and would like employment for the summer months through Labor Day. I am very strong and can do most types of labor. I do not have a driver's license (but I would like to try).
I will work for peanuts and/or honey. I am self employed and withholdings and worker's comp insurance are not necessary.
You may contact me through the bulletin board at the post office or by my email:


May be chill, may be mild,
May pour, may snow,
May be still, may be wild,
May lower, may glow,
May freeze, may burn,
May be gold, may be gray,
May do all these in turn ---
May May.

Did somebody say Beartown?


The accoumtant, helping the farmer prepare his tax return, examined his ledger. There were no debit or credit columns, but instead the entries read: "Sold eggs $2.68" or "Bought feed $16.92." Most of the items were easy to interpret, but one reading simply "Horse $10" stumped the accountant. "Did you buy the horse for $10 or sell him?" he asked.
"Well," said the farmer, "it's like this: I bought that ornery animal for ten dollars. He right away kicked down two stalls, and that cost me ten dollars. Then I used him to pull a car out of the mud, and got paid ten dollars. Once I sold him for ten dollars but he caused such a peck of trouble that I bought him back for ten dollars. I used him to take some kids for a ride, and they gave me ten dollars. Finally the fool horse wandered into the road and a fellow hit him and kilt him. He paid me ten dollars, but I had to turn around and pay ten dollars to have the carcass hauled away. And you know," said the farmer, "I must of lost track somewhere, 'cause I can't figure whether that durn horse ended up owing me or me owing him."

Looking Back

Bumford Peabody, the son of Dr. and Mrs. Peabody left Beartown in the late 1850's never to be heard of again. The Doctor said "He ain't got much time fer them 't ain't so good as what he is, so I don't like him very well. He's a hippercrit." One time his ma was showing his picture to someone and she said "This is a boy we're proud of, full of good works" -- 'and prunes' added the doctor, which really made the mother mad.


Shortly after Silas Stoler had his telephone installed, a neighbor dropped by and found him immersed in the business of filling out a form from a mail-order catalogue. The telephone was ringing persistently, but Silas took no heed whatever.
"Silas," the visitor asked, "ain't that your number?"
"Ehyah, tis."
"Wal, ain'tcha goin' ta answer it for gossakes?"
"I'm busy and I had the durn thing installed for my convenience." said Silas.


A visiting minister from nearby New York received the greatest compliment of his ministry from a laconic Beartowntonian. The resident gripped the pastor's hand, beamed all over, and said, "Didn't get my nap today."

Two ladies, dressed to the hilt in their Easter finery, were making slow progress in the crowd headed for the entrance to the church. Finally one of them burst out impatiently, "Now wouldn't you think that these people who do nothing but go to church Sunday after Sunday would stay home on Easter and leave room for the rest of us!"

Letter of thanks from a new bride. "Dear Pastor, I want to thank you for the beautiful way you brought my happiness to a conclusion."


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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