Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2006


NEWS

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."

He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
 

She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

RECIPE

COPPERHEAD SANDWICH SPREAD

Take a bunch of copperheads mashed real flat
Wash em off with water and put em in a vat
Add a little mustard and some real mayonnaise
Let em set in the sun for three or four days
Add sweet pickle that is diced real fine
Mash it all together till it turns to a slime
Chop up a chicken egg and stir it right in
Stir it just a little - don't make it too thin
Spread it on a cracker or some toasted bread
There's nothing like some roadkill copperhead spread

From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


FEMALE POEM
 

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MALE POEM
 

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.




Email: dernc@sover.net


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