Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2005



A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her."

The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still  siphoning."


 The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time, and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it. If so, they oppose all that Washington DC stands for..
The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
None of these is read by the guy who is running the country into the ground, however........



Road kill stir fry from under the car
Ya get everything ya need drivin home from the bar
Drinkin corn liquor can make ya get lost
It's hell drivin home when your eyes are both crossed
About now's when a gopher comes into sight
Ya flip on your high beams to give ya more light
The l re in trouble
The light's real good but ya know you're in trouble
You're on a corn liquor drunk and you'r still seein double
You really can't tell which varmit is which
Put the pedal to the metal and head for the ditch
If you're gonna stir fry you're gonna wanna drag
Just jack up your car and fill up your bag
You thought you saw double but it 'must have been a triple
'Cause the gopher on the left side was square in the middle
Scrape the greens and gopher from underneath the car
Grease up the skillet and heat up the far
Cut the greens and the gopher into little bitty squares
Cook em real hot and flip em in the air

From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


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