Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2003


NEWS

NEW (thin) BOOKS at BEARTOWN LIBRARY

How I Served My Country - Jane Fonda
My Beauty Secrets - Janet Reno
Bow To Build Your Own Airplane - John Denver
My Super Bowl Highlights - Dan Marino
Things I Love Bout Bill - Hillary Clinton
My Little Book of Personal Hygiene - Osama Bin Laden
Things I Cannot Afford - Bill Gates
Things I Would Not Do For Money - Dennis Rodman
My Wild Years - Al Gore
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific -
America's Most Popular Lawyers
A Collection Of Motivational Speeches - Jack Kevorkian, M.D.
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
All The Men I Have Loved Before - Ellen DeGeneres
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
Spotted Owl Recipes - the EPA
The Amish Phone Directory
My Plan To Find The Real Killers - O.J. Simpson
and topping the list, as the all-time best:
My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton, with a foreword by Rev. Jesse Jackson.

IRAQI  WAR

 What is the Iraqi air force motto?
 I came, I saw, Iran.
Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
Two days.

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign ambassador.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.

 

SPORTS

2004 FOOTBALL RECRUITING PROSPECTS.
ATHLETIC OFFICE NEWS RELEASE - NEW TEAM RECRUITS
Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6'6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from  Arkansas in the last ten years. Loves music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete name.
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6'3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Melrose High School, Charlotte, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6'1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick".
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6'8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 3rd generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because "The dude said something bad'bout my Mamma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q.as 20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrack train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the N on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge", but still meets Tennessee's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing
number 32  jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.

Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.
Abdul Hasten Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Leroy Jones. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Knoxville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear". (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words either.)
Note: School track coaches will use several of the above signees in the  track program. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, they will be using a burglar alarm.

Did somebody say Beartown?

 


Email: dernc@sover.net


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