Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2002

NEWS


A BASEBALL TEAM is ENOUGH

After having their 9th child, an Beartown couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Beartown), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Beartowntonian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Tennessee, Alabama, and West Virginia.

EAT, DRINK, and be MERRY

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
 On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like.  It's speaking English that kills you.

NEW SIGNS in TOWN

 

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry . Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of the funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait! "
At the propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
At the Beartown Radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak"
At the hospital-door to endoscopy: "To expedite your visit, please back in."


TERRORISTS 

WARSAW (AP)-- In an apparent copycat terrorist act, Polish terrorists Stosh
and Yonko Binladenski have hijacked a Goodyear Blimp. So far, they have
bounced off of 5 buildings in Detroit.


TESTIMONY in MURDER TRIAL

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?  
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Did somebody say Beartown?


Email: dernc@sover.net


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