Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2001


The KILLER Known As Spring

To many of us Spring is a wonderful time of the year.... It's become the symbol for a New Beginning.... A Fresh Start.... And the Beginning of The Warm Season.
To Snowmen, however, it's nothing but a

Signs Around BEARTOWN

Maternity clothes shop: We are open on labor day
On a front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
Scientist's door: Gone Fission
Sign on fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive
Car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
Veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 10 minutes, Sit! Stay!
Beartown Electric Co: We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be delighted
Beauty shop: Dye now
Computer store: Out for a quick byte
Diner window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up
Bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop
Music library: Bach in a minuet
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait

Only in Beartown... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!

Did somebody say

Defendant found Guilty of Murder

The first ever murder conviction took place in March in Beartown Court. The defendant was on trial for murder and there was strong evidence indicating guilt, but a corpse had never been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt: I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied,
"Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

Looking Back

Henry's Vermont Liniment 1872

An internal as well as external remedy; taken internally, it is a master Pain Killer, Pain Curer, Pain Reliever or Pain Annihilator. Reader, do not sleep till you get a bottle for trial; read full directions, especially for breaking up a cold.

Henry & Co., Burlington Vt.
Agents for Brandreth's Pills &
Allcock's Porous Plasters


It is spring now, by the almanac, if not by the thermometer. Stock, however, require to be as liberally fed and as carefully housed in this month as in March. Cows coming in about this time should have bean mashes or linseed tea given them, to keep their bowels free. After calving, they should be kept as quiet and comfortable as possible. Give them all the water they will drink, but let the chill be taken off. Hay tea is good for them. If a cow seems very weak after calving, throw a blanket over her and do not let her be disturbed unnecessarily.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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