Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2008



Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
atmosphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


The winner's statement follows:
My name be Eboneesha Li Herenandez. I be a African Hispanic Asiatic-American girl who jus got an award fo being the best speler in my class. 
I got 67% on the speling test and 30 points for being black, 5 points for not bringing drugs into class, 5 points for not bringing guns into class, and 5 points for not getting pregnut during the cemester. It be hard to beat a score of 120%. 
The white dude who sit next to me is McGee from Ocala. He got A 94% on the test but no xtra points on acount he have da same skin color as the opressirs of 150 years ago. 
My Momma Momma ax me to thank all Dimocrafts and Liberals for suporting
Afermative action. You be showing da way to true equallity.   
I be gittin in medical skool nex an mabe I be yo doctor when Hillory take over da healtcare in dis cuntry.



Have as many steaks as there are to be covers (number of people to be served). Trim and flatten into good shape. Lard one side of each steak with tiny strips of pork and lay them in an earthen dish with salt. pepper, a chopped onion, a minced carrot,2 bay leaves, 2 sprigs of thyme, 1/2 cup of salad oil and 1/2 cup of vinegar. Let them steep in this mixture for about 6 hours, turning often. Twenty minutes before serving, drain and wipe them. Fry them to a handsome brown in a little very hot salt pork fat. It must be done quickly or they will become tough. Serve on a hot platter with brown gravy, made from the marinate.

From Gourmet Style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a work environment that they can't function in.

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are commandments?'
And the Lord said,
'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'
So He went to the Blacks and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
There, that should offend just about everybody  . 


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