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NEWS

BEARTOWN GENERAL HOSPITAL

A woman called Beartown General. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a family member is doing better."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Are you a family member?"
"Yes, Yes I am.."
"Hold on.. let me look at her records...
Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me anything!"

HILLARY

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, 'Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008'.

'Great, but how so you propose we go about that,' asked Bill?

Well, Hillary responds, We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes, like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador. When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there' .

A few days later, all decked out and with the prerequisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the Bartender takes a step back and say's, " aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton ?"

Hillary answers, "yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color."

They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. 'Tell me' said Hillary, 'why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?'

'Good Lord no,' said the bartender. 'Its just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!".

RECIPE

IMITATION ROAD KILL

If ya find yourself cravin some road kill meat
And there ain't nothin dead layin out in the street
When your wife and our kidlets holler for more
Jump in the pickup an drive to the store
Buy a whole chicken 'bout three to four pound
Take it out on the road and throw it on the ground
Roll back and forth over it with your F250
You don't have to count or be real picky
When it sticks to your mudders then you'll know it's done
You can fry it or bake it and throw it on a bun
There's imitation crab meat and artificial sweets
So why not some imitation roadkill meat
From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh

Political Correctness

Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term: Political Correctness.
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

GUTS AND BALLS. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know The difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met By your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on; your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

MAPLEWOOD, N.J. (AP) - A woman glancing out a kitchen window in this bedroom community just west of New York City was startled to find a black bear peering back in at her. "I was making a pot of coffee, and I turned around and there he was in the window looking at me," said Lorraine Grossman.
She screamed, spooking the 211-pound bear, which ran to a nearby tree, climbed 40 feet up and wouldn't budge. More than 50 neighbors gathered in Maplewood to watch for five hours Sunday as the creature just yawned.
"He's really kind of cute," said Joanne Penaluna.
State wildlife officers eventually shot the animal with a tranquilizer dart. After hanging on for about 10 minutes, the bear dropped into a net. It was taken away, tagged, then released at a state wildlife management area.
"It's not something you get to see every day - bears falling out of trees," said Pete Samek, whose 5-year-old daughter, Lucy Rose, watched from his shoulders.
Bears usually hibernate from December to March, though they can be easily roused, said Larry Katz, chairman of the animal sciences department at Rutgers University.
"It's a little early for them to be waking up," he said. "Someone or something probably walked over the area where it was hibernating."
Authorities said the bear, a male estimated to be 2 or 3 years old, might have been snacking on birdseed and likely wandered in from the nearby South Mountain Reservation.

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