Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2004



Mary Reynolds, 25, a resident of Beartown,
went to the supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her
eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Mary's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Mary replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the Beartown Rescue Squad, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Mary refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Mary had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat of the sun, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Mary is a blonde.

The Wonder Liquid

To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves the adhesive.
To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.
Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.
Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.
Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.
Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.
Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag, and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain, or black eyes..
Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly picked lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.
Make your own mouthwash by mixing nine tablespoons powered cinnamon with one cup vodka. Seal in an airtight container for two weeks. Strain through a coffee filter. Mix with warm water and rinse your mouth. Don't swallow.
Using a q-tip, apply vodka to a cold sore to help it dry out.
If a blister opens, pour vodka over the raw skin as a local anesthetic that also disinfects the exposed dermis.
To treat dandruff, mix one cup vodka with two teaspoons crushed rosemary, let sit for two days, strain through a coffee filter, massage into your scalp and let dry.
To treat an earache, put a few drops of vodka in your ear. Let it set for a few minutes. Then drain. The vodka will kill the bacteria that is causing pain in your ear.
To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your forehead. Rub it on your chest and back as a liniment.
To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.
Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.
Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.
If all else fails, just turn the bottle up and drink it, nothing will matter anymore anyway! And there you have it.


 Why do dogs wag their tails? And what
happens when they make eye contact?

Tail motion and eye contact are parts of a complicated inborn system of communication among dogs. The signals let dogs figure
out who is top dog in a group or when meeting a stranger. They can also communicate emotional states.
Tail wagging may simply indicate excitement. Position is important, too. The tail held high is a signal of dominance, which may be challenged or not, and a tucked tall shows a dog is kowtowing or accepts lower status.
The social signals can best be observed in wolves. One of the things they do when they challenge each other is to monitor the autonomic signs, such as heart rate and blood pressure, that signal emotion.
Some of these signs are read indirectly, through changes in pupillary light. If the pupil becomes wider, it generally means fear or at least ambivalence. If wolves' pupils narrow, on the
other hand, based on other bodily postures and signs, It generally means they are angry, and you had better take them seriously.
Signals by domestic dogs are more ambiguous because owing to human intervention in their breeding, they are divorced from the original meanings and can signify anything from
"come and play" to "watch out"
Bear's tails are too short to observe.



An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.  He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.  After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.. big, pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says,
"I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me." He leads him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away,...anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie
"That was really decent of you, Is that 'British Hospitality ?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is the French Embassy."


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by