Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2003



A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.  This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that
governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as: "Critical Morass."


The greatest writer of the Renaissance was
William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was
Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The
next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest
Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and
he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the
night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical
compositions and had a large number of children.
In between, he practiced on an old spinster which
he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great
many thoughts and inventions. People stopped
reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused
a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Did somebody say Beartown?


An individual had a wreck a while ago and totaled her Lincoln Town Car. She hydroplaned on Hwy. 135 between Beartown and East Overshoe. She was not hurt, just emotionally rattled! She learned a lesson I'd like to pass on to you. You may know this already--but I told her that you should NEVER drive on icy roads or in the rain with your cruise control on. If you do and hydroplane (which she did), when your tires are off the road your car's tires will accelerate to a high rate of speed (which they did). You don't have much, if any control when you hydroplane, but you are totally in the hands of God when the car accelerates as it once again grips the pavement. She took off like she was in an airplane and is thankful she made it through that ordeal.
Please pass the word around about not using cruise control when the pavement is wet or icy.  This should be on the sun-visor with the warning about airbags.


A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, had no money with which to buy alcohol, and so mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.


A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend was hospitalized.

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the Gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.



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