Bear News Beartown News

FEBRUARY 1, 2005



Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable
parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place - reports of a six-year-old
boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not
inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as churches became businesses; and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.


Awesome POSSUM Gravy & Buttermilk Biscuits

Awesome Possum Gravy & Buttermilk Biscuits
It's harder to say than it is to fix it
Take a full grown possum that's whole and round
With a last years tomato stake begin to pound
Keep on poundin' til he turns to mush
Stick a yam in his mouth and a pickle in his tush
Flip him and turn him from time to time
Til the mush inside turns into a slime
Let him swell in the sun til fully ripe
The yam and the pickle otta fit real tight
In the bottom of the stove there's a number 8 skillet
Pull out the pickle and begin to fill it
Squeeze on the possum til ya get all ya can
If ya get an air lock you can pull out the yam
Stir uncovered over medium heat
Add the pickle and the yam and some strips of meat
Call your husband & the kids & your neighbor's son
Ya better check on the biscuits, cause the gravies done

From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh

Constable Report

The Constable was patrolling at night in a well-known spot.  He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The Constable carefully approaches the car to get a closer  look.  Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a  computer magazine.  He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.  Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window
 "Uh, yes, officer?"
 "What are you doing?"
  "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a   magazine, sir "
    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And  her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover  sweater."
Now, the Constable is totally confused. A young couple.  Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing obscene is happening!
 "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her ... what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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