FEBRUARY 1, 2003
NEW MIRACLE DIET
Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't
get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your
face and clothes.
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape kool-aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass milk: drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed
cereal to dog.
Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. One stick of mascara for dessert.
Did somebody say Beartown?
"Jumping to conclusions." "Climbing the walls."
"Passing the buck."
"Throwing one's weight around." "Dragging your heels."
"Pushing your luck."
"Making mountains out of molehills."
"Hitting the nail on the head." "Wading through paperwork." "Bending over backwards." "Jumping on the bandwagon ." "Balancing the books."
"Running around in circles." "Tooting one's own horn." "Climbing the ladder of success." "Pulling out the stops."
"Starting the ball rolling."
"Going over the edge."
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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