Bear News Beartown News

FEBRUARY 1, 2001

NEWS

Several new drugs, exclusively for women, are now available. Men might consider a gift certificate for any or all of these miracle drugs. Remember VALENTINES DAY!

MIRRORCILLIN: A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to 4 hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN: Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA: Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON: Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.
PARKATRON: 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 metres long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK: Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has been found yet.
WARDROBIA: Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN: Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.


Did somebody say Beartown?


CHURCH BULLETINS

The Lord is seeking righteous fruit, not religious nuts.
If you're looking for a sign from God, this is it.
Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!
1-28-01 Services Canceled. In Everything Give Thanks.
The More You Complain, the Longer God Lets You Live.
Will it take six strong pallbearers to bring you back?


Some MARTHA STEWART Tips

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table; no matter how good his manners are.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private usings one's OWN truck keys.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Do not kiss a bride for more than 5 seconds; you might get shot.
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


Feb 14
VALENTINES DAY


Email: dernc@sover.net


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