NEWS
Several new drugs, exclusively for women,
are now available. Men might consider a gift certificate
for any or all of these miracle drugs. Remember
VALENTINES DAY!
MIRRORCILLIN:
A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to
4 hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN:
Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their
spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA:
Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash
lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON:
Trials showed that females taking this were able to
follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion
and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant
postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.
PARKATRON:
72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park
a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 metres long; 54%
achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK:
Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes
appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for
this drug has been found yet.
WARDROBIA:
Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this
drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing
42% stayed within their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN:
Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend
alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
Did
somebody say Beartown?
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CHURCH
BULLETINS
The Lord
is seeking righteous fruit, not religious nuts.
If you're looking
for a sign from God, this is it.
Jesus Is Coming!
Look Busy!
1-28-01 Services
Canceled. In Everything Give Thanks.
The More You Complain, the Longer God Lets You Live.
Will it take six
strong pallbearers to bring you back?
Some
MARTHA STEWART Tips
Always
identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered
tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to
vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
Even if you're
certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
When decanting wine,
make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so
as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
If drinking
directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
A centerpiece for
the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the
dog to eat at the table; no matter how good his manners
are.
While ears need to
be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private
usings one's OWN truck keys.
Always offer to
bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Do not kiss a bride
for more than 5 seconds; you might get shot.
Dim your headlights
for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and
the deer is in sight.
Do not lay rubber
while traveling in a funeral procession.
Feb
14
VALENTINES DAY
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