A burglar broke into a house one
night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for
valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in
his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying, "Jesus is
Well, the burglar nearly jumped out
of his skin. He clicked off his flashlight and
froze. He waited for a bit but then heard nothing
more. He shook his head, promised himself a vacation
after the next big score, then clicked on the light
and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard again, "Jesus is
Panic stricken, he shined his light
around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say
that?" he hissed at the parrot.
just trying to warn you." said the
The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who the hell
replied the bird.
the burglar laughed. "What
kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of
people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
I shall seek and find
I shall take you to bed and
have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake,
and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for
mercy, beg me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the
point that you will be relieved when I finish with
You will be weak for days.
All my love,
The reason why
hillbillies are so strong and stout
Is they know what road kill nutrition's about
You can never grow up to be slender and mean
If ya just eat your meat and ya don't eat your
To stay real healthy and not catch the flue
Eat a lot of poke greens and cottontail stew
From the sun's where ya get all your vitamin D
A low salt and fat diet is really the key
There's a lot of vitamin E in a mountain oyster stew
They say it makes you ornery - I'm here to say it's
From the liver of the critters there's a lot of iron
There's all kinds of goodies in a road kill meal
Ya can't balance out your diet eatin French fried
Ya need to eat some stir fry and scalded dog
If ya follow these instructions you'll be healthy
all the time
But don't forget the whisky and the muskydine wine
Ask the hillbilly doctor and he'll let ya know
Ya need some pot hole possum and ya gotta eat some
Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking
by Jeff Eberbaugh
A major research
institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest element yet known to science. The
new element has been named "Governmentium."
Governmentium has 1
neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving
it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held
together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no
electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, as it impedes every reaction with which
it comes into contact. A minute amount of
Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4
days to complete, when it would normally take less
than a second.
GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it
does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase
over time, since each reorganization will cause
more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed
with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -
an element which radiates just as much energy,
since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many