Bear News Beartown News

DECEMBER 1, 2004



A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

Well, the burglar nearly jumped out of his skin. He clicked off his flashlight and froze. He waited for a bit but then heard nothing more. He shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked on the light and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard again, "Jesus is watching you."

Panic stricken, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep, I'm just trying to warn you." said the parrot.

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." 


I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I finish with you.
You will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu


The reason why hillbillies are so strong and stout
Is they know what road kill nutrition's about
You can never grow up to be slender and mean
If ya just eat your meat and ya don't eat your greens
To stay real healthy and not catch the flue
Eat a lot of poke greens and cottontail stew
From the sun's where ya get all your vitamin D
A low salt and fat diet is really the key
There's a lot of vitamin E in a mountain oyster stew
They say it makes you ornery - I'm here to say it's true
From the liver of the critters there's a lot of iron and steel
There's all kinds of goodies in a road kill meal
Ya can't balance out your diet eatin French fried frog
Ya need to eat some stir fry and scalded dog
If ya follow these instructions you'll be healthy all the time
But don't forget the whisky and the muskydine wine
Ask the hillbilly doctor and he'll let ya know
Ya need some pot hole possum and ya gotta eat some crow

From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes 1 reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.
GOVERNMENTIUM has a normal 1/2-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.


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