Bear News Beartown News

DECEMBER 1, 2001


Constable Constantly on the Lookout for Terrorists

On an unually warm November day, the Beartown Constable pulled over a local farmer, who was hurrying to church, for speeding. The Constable proceeded to lecture the slightly deaf farmer about his excessive speed and the danger to all other Beartown residents. As the Constable was writing out the ticket he kept swatting at the flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Them circle flies botherin' ya? said the farmer.
"Yes," said the Constable "Never heard of 'circle' flies?"
"Lots of 'em on the farm. They're usually found circling around the rear end of a horse."
"Oh," says the Constable and then after some thought says "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no," said the farmer "I have too much respect for the law to ever think of such an insinuation."
"Well that's a wise decision for you." remarks the Constable as he continues to write the ticket.
"But," says the farmer "It's very hard to fool them flies!"



ALERT!!! Be aware of Vermont's April 1917 TREASON LAW

"A person, who, without permission of lawful authority, while the US is at war or threatened with war, makes or attempts to make, or has in his possession or attempts to obtain, or aids another to obtain, any map, drawing, plan, model, description, or picture of any military camp, fort, armory, arsenal or building in which munitions of war are stored, or of any bridge, road, canal, dockyard, telephone or telegraph line or equipment, wireless station or equipment, railway or property of any corporation subject to the supervision of the Public Service Board, or of any municipality or part thereof, shall be imprisioned not more than 10 years."

Do you have any pictures of roads, bridges, canals, military camps, railroads, telephone poles, buses, trains, telephone company, cable TV, or power company trucks? You'd best be DESTROYING them immediately if not sooner!!!


The Beartown News Editor was recently contacted about using humorous content that was "invented" by others. After extensive research it was learned that words cannot be copyrighted; only their arrangement.
A 1976 document does not even recognize the use of the internet as a means of compilation and distribution.
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Last month a horse and buggy were observed in the downtown section of Beartown.
A sign on the rear of the carriage read:

Energy Efficient Vehicle
Runs on oats and grass
CAUTION: Don't step in exhaust


At 7:28 AM, Saturday Nov. 24, the 911 dispatcher received a call from an excited deer hunter.
"My hunting partner just fell to the ground and is not breathing. His eyes are rolled back.. He's dead. What should I do?"
"Calm down. Make sure he is actually dead' said the dispatcher.
A shot is heard over the phone.
"OK, now what?" says the hunter.


Due to the increasing numbers of lost midgets, their pictures will start being displayed on dairy cartons of HALF and HALF.


Funeral services were held on Monday, Nov. 26 for Myrtle Bumford, 96. She had been a longtime resident at the home of Sally and Bill Caulkins.
On the way back from the cemetary Bill and Sally were talking about the 20 plus years that Aunt Myrtle had spent with them.
"Dear," said Bill, "If I didn't love you so much I don't think I could have put up with your miserable old Aunt Myrtle for so many years."
Sally looked at Bill, aghast.
"My Aunt Myrtle!" she exclaimed, "I thought she was your Aunt Myrtle!"

Did somebody say


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