Bear News Beartown News

DECEMBER 1, 2000



The President of the Beartown Savings & Loan is making an appeal to all residents to stop taking advantage of his institution. Remember that he has to make money with your money! In return for this buisness all bank employees will say "Thank You" and all customers will say "You're Welcome" instead of the reverse which has been customary for years. Two examples are related below to demonstrate customer practices which frankly stink.
For years Mr. Doe has kept renewing a yearly loan for five dollars. As is customary he furnished collateral which happened to be in the form of securities. When questioned about his practice he remarked "The fifty cent a year interest is much cheaper than the cost of a safe deposit box for my securities."
Mrs. Doe gets a $5000 loan every winter before spending one week in Florida and gives the bank her car for collateral. "Where else can I have my car kept for only $4.88?" she proudly boasts.


A heard of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the rear of the herd that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Did somebody say Beartown?


John and June Hamlin of Chipmunk Hollow recently celebrated their 50th wedding aniversary with a superb meal at the Beartown Hotel. John placed the order for the meal with the head waiter after informing him that their appetites were not as large as they used to be and they would like to share one meal between them. He related how they had shared so many things together during the last 50 years.
The waiter placed the wonderful meal in front of John and watched as he carefully put exactly one half of each item onto another plate which he placed before June. John started to eat but June just sat there, praising her husband for all the good years they had had together.
Finally the waiter said to June, "You should eat before your dinner gets cold."
June replied "I'm just waiting for the teeth."


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Forbidden fruit creates many jams.


Adam Deadbolt, son of Mr. and Mrs. C. Cure Deadbolt is atending Yale University and majoring in locks.

Don Adams and Bill Gordon recently met at their twentieth reunion at Beartown University. Don stepped out of his shiny, multi-cylinder sports job. His big cigar, expensive suit, and gleaming diamonds left no doubt about this grad's worldly status.
"Great to see ya Bill." he greeted his seedy-looking erstwhile classmate. "Often wondered about you; the boy who never got less than 'A' plus in every subject. Howya doin?"
"Just fair," was the reply, "I find they don't pay for past performance. But you look like you've done all right. How many banks do you own?"
"Well I've done OK," said Don. "I was never a brain like you and I knew it. In fact, I flunked math and had to take something else. So when I got out of school I figured I better get into something simple. And I did. I found an item I could buy for $1 and sell for $5, and believe me Bill, over the years that four per cent really mounts up!"


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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