Bear News Beartown News

NOVEMBER 1, 2009



There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Cash for Clunkers

Here's the POSITIVE results of the "Cash for Clunkers" program . . . .

Itís taken 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road!


Make  sure you get your daily dose of fruits and  veggies.
Take  your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get  plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune  system.
Walk  for at least an hour a day,
go  for a swim, take  the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash  your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of  antibacterial stuff around.

Get  lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever  possible.
Try  to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you  can.
Get  plenty of rest.
Take  the doctor's approach.

Think about it...
When you go for a  shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with  alcohol...
Because Alcohol KILLS  GERMS.
I  walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my  Corona...(fruit)  
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the bar  patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then  pass out. (rest)
The  way I see it...
If  you keep your alcohol levels up FLU GERMS CAN'T GET YOU!!!

Drafting Guys over 60

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a  while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....
If  captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his  head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we  will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.


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