Bear News Beartown News

NOVEMBER 1, 2007



This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.
          1 grapefruit
          1 slice whole wheat toast
          1 cup skim milk
          1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
          1 cup spinach
          1 cup herbal tea
          1 Hershey's kiss
    Afternoon Tea
         The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
        1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips
         4 glasses of wine (red or white)
         2 loaves garlic bread
         1 family size supreme pizza
         3 Snickers Bars
     Late Night Snack
       1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
    Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts. 


Make  sure you get your daily dose of fruits and  veggies.
Take  your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get  plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune  system.
Walk  for at least an hour a day,
go  for a swim, take  the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash  your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of  antibacterial stuff around.

Get  lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever  possible.
Try  to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you  can.
Get  plenty of rest.
Take  the doctor's approach.

Think about it...
When you go for a  shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with  alcohol...
Because Alcohol KILLS  GERMS.
I  walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my  Corona...(fruit)  
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)

Drink outdoors on the bar  patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then  pass out. (rest)
The  way I see it...
If  you keep your alcohol levels up FLU GERMS CAN'T GET YOU!!!



Cut rhubarb stalks just above the ground
Slice it into pieces 'about a half inch round
Cook it in a pot till it gets real soft
Just about the thickness of applesauce
Make a nice pie crust and fill up the shell
Serve em hot in a bowl with some milk or cream
The old timers say it's good for your spleen
From Gourmet Style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town

Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.

But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?

An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret

Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,

I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -

I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see

Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.

I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.

Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.

I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before

I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,

And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -

I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate

I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."

"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise

When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,

But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up

When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.

Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.

She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.

Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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