NEWS
BUMPER STICKERS
RECENTLY SEEN IN BEARTOWN
*IF
YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!*
*Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.*
*If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.*
*Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.*
*The Earth Is Full - Go Home.*
*I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.*
*So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.*
*Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.*
*If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?*
*Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.*
*Illiterate? Write For Help.*
*Honk If Anything Falls Off.*
*Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.*
*He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost, But is Miles
From The Next Exit.*
*I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.*
*You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!*
*I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.*
*Fight Crime: Shoot Back!*
*(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read
This, Please Flip Me Back Over...*
*Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Also Are Timed For
70 mph*
*If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?*
*Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.*
*Boldly Going Nowhere.*
*Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.*
*Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His
Animal Friends*
*How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?*
*GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.*
*All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.*
*"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED
TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR
THE SAME REASON"*
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Forensic
Analysis for the witch in Hansel and Gretel
This CE is provided by The
Northeast Institute for Science makers of Gingko Viagra , So you
can remember what the *(&% your doing,
Today's forensic analysis is about one of the most misunderstood person
in history, the witch in Hansel and Gretel. It is our contention that
she was not in fact evil but instead ill.
In initial assessment, the witch appears to have obesity issues as well
dermatology difficulties. A social services and nutrition analysis of
the literature demonstrates an unusual housing arrangement along
with numerous dietary deficiencies.
The home often described is one made of poor environmental protection
and poor insulation. As described it most like had inadequate
ventilation and used wood burning for most cooking and heating. Most
materials would
expand significantly in a damp forest environment leading to high levels
of Carbon Monoxide inside the house. The chronic high levels of
carboxyhemoglobin in the bloodstream could contribute to an Altered
Mental Status and bizarre behavior. It also could contribute to an
underlying Cerebral Encephalopathy.
Another strong influence on the witch's behavior was her poor dietary
choices. A high fat high cholesterol, high sugar diet is a known
precursor to adult onset diabetes. Undiagnosed and untreated diabetes
can lead to confusion, hallucinations and violence. Lack of protein in
the diet will contribute to encephalopathy and confusion.
Forensic conjecture would show an elevated carboxyhemoglobin level, and
blood glucose level well over 600 dl/ml as well as low protein levels.
Visual disturbance secondary to encephalopathy as well as a strong need
for protein could have easily led the poor unfortunate witch to mistake
the young vandals for a meat source.
In our assessment, the vigilante justice dealt out to this misunderstood
woman was a great wrong. Obviously the woman was ill.
Our impression:
Altered Mental Status secondary to:
1) Elevated Carboxyhemoglobin smoke
inhalation,
2) Cerebral Encephalopathy secondary to
Diabetic Ketoacidosis
3) Combative behavior re: above.
Thank you for attending this CE
Dr Quincy Kevorkian M.E.
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RECIPE
Creamed Coon Casserole
Creamed coon casserole -
what the hay
A hillbilly favorite that's here to stay
Find em shakin from a tree on the side of the road
Where the highway department's tractors have mowed
When ya walk up on em make darned sure they're dead
Cause a coon playin possum can take off your head
There's several different ways you can cream em
Add a little gravy or slightly steam em
Cook uncovered for an hour or two
Great with some left over cotton tail stew
From
Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking
by Jeff Eberbaugh
ACCIDENT
A passenger in a
taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost
control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over
the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate
glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
and then the still shaking driver said,
"I'm sorry but you scared the
daylights out of me." The
frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and
said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much.
The driver replied,
"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is
my first day driving a cab ... I've been driving a
hearse for the last 23 years."
Newest World's
Thinnest
Books for Beartown Library
GUIDE TO JEWISH CUSTOMS
By Mel Gibson
HONESTY IN GOVERNMENT
By Duke Cunningham
FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by
Michael Moore
MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno and Whoopi Goldberg
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS and HOW I HELPED
AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse
Jackson and Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
SELLING STOCKS and BONDS
By Martha Stewart
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
HUNTING TECHNIQUES
By Dick Chenney
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
TECHNIQUES OF GOVERNMENT SERVICE
By Monica Lewinsky
HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET
By
Al Gore
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
ENGLISH PRONOUNCIATION
By
Arnold
Schwarzenegger
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
ANSWERING QUESTIONS HONESTLY
By Bill Clinton
PURCHASING ENRON STOCK
By Ken Lay
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