Bear News Beartown News

NOVEMBER 1, 2003


NEWS

DEER GOES SHOPPING?

Everybody has heard stories about deer in the suburbs wandering onto lawns uninvited and even ambling onto porches and decks. In October, a deer loped into a Planet Kidz clothing store in Linden, N.J., running off two customers and forcing employees into a back room until New York City police officers (first to respond) came in and shot it with a tranquilizer gun.
"It walked right through the front door," said the store's owner, Ezra Falack. "I guess it lost its way. It looked like a dog, a big dog, about double the size of a golden retriever."
The only damage the deer did in its hour and a half romp through the clothing store, located in the Aviation Plaza shopping center on Routes 1 and 9, was to cut itself on a glass shelf, Mr. Falack said.
On nice days, he said, the employees sometimes keep the store's front door open. The shopping center is an outdoor mall not far from the Linden Municipal Airport and some railroad tracks not exactly a rural area, he said.
"People said they saw it trying to get inside other stores earlier," Mr. Falack said. "It was just a weird situation, a one-in-a-billion kind of thing, wouldn't you say?"

OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valued lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally,
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not you can give him a second death.


HISTORY LESSON
(with moral)

In 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
 2. President of the largest gas company?
 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
 4. Greatest wheat speculator?
 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
 6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
 These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their day. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
 The answers:
 
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
 2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
 3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
 
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed  suicide.
 However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
 The moral:
Screw work. Play golf.

LOCKED OUT

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter.
She returned to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter and didn't know what to do.
She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. The sitter said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy,  bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head .
The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE."
He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH....You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL".



Email: dernc@sover.net


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