NOVEMBER 1, 2002
After years of trying without success to protect our resident wildlife from their "YEARLY MASSACRE" rabbits, deer, turkeys, partridge, ducks, and bear are being assisted by the Beartown Anti Hunting League. A radical new program has been launched and its results REMAIN TO BE SEEN!
The subject animals have "disappeared" with the help of local cooperating artists who have painted the animals with unique camouflage patterns.
Some Beartown residents have been startled by these camouflaged animals. A black Dodge Ram has been observed driving around under apple trees. Numerous goats have suddenly appeared with many of them sporting forked horns. A local tree service doing a routine stump removal job observed several stumps walking into the woods. Pumpkins have been reported to have flown away from farm stands. Jersey calves are being born to Holstein mothers. Cabbages have been heard quacking. A Halloween leaf bag climbed up a tree.
No game has been checked in at the local reporting station!
One fellow who went up, up, and away was Larry Walters of California. Larry tied 42 weather balloons to an aluminum lawn chair. This turned out to be a couple balloons too many. When the
rope that was holding him down broke, he shot 16,000 feet into the air.
Fortunately, he was ready. He had brought a pellet gun with him so he could shoot out balloons as needed to control his altitude. Being a thoughtful guy, he also brought a CB radio
so he could warn passing airplanes.
Finally, after two hours in the air, he decided to land, so he shot out a few more balloons. The ones that were left pulled down
some power lines on the way down, knocking out the electricity. But Larry himself escaped with nothing worse than a bad case of sunburn.
The government was not very happy with Larry. A safety inspector told the newspapers, "We know he broke some part of the Federal Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, some type of charge will be filed."
Larry wound up paying a fine. On the plus side, he got to be on the David Letterman show. But he could easily have been killed.
We don't want to lose any readers, so please don't try it yourself!
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died in the United States from
heart failure in the second year of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, and factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math."
But his health declined when he became infected with the" if-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decad his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when
school endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, a person too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two illegitimate stepchildren: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Did somebody say Beartown?
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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