NOVEMBER 1, 2001

NEWS

ANOTHER BEARTOWN PATENT

John Handsoff of Beartown has come up with a creative, inexpensive solution for avoiding the very dangerous and sometimes deadly practice of using a hand held cell phone while driving.
This elastic invention has been around for years and has unlimited uses. These modern wonders cost 1 cent or 10 cents per dozen. Postage and handling is $29.95. ORDER TODAY!!!

BEER STUDY

The following sad news about beer is from a study perfomed over several years by the Beartown Health Association. We can only hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
The recent results revealed the presence of female hormones in beer and all men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 6 beers in a one hour period. It was observed that 100% of the men:
Gained weight
Talked excessively without making sense
Became overly emotional
Couldn't drive
Failed to think rationally
Argued over absolutely nothing
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
No further testing is planned due to the overwhelming validity of this theory.

Did somebody say
Beartown?

BEARTOWN CONSTABLE'S NEWEST EQUIPMENT

ONE MORE BEARTOWN PATENT

The first 100% completely organic diesel engine has been developed by Ira Hedge. The verdant color changes to a dull brown after the first use due to the high temperature required for compressed air to ignite the fuel in the cylinders.

SIGNS AROUND TOWN

Bookstore signs:
Going out of Business, Words Failed Us!
These Books were owned by a little Old Lady who never read faster than 25 Words a Minute!

Bar signs:
If you are drinking to forget, Please Pay in Advance
Have a Double and keep us and AA in Business

Car Wash Sign:
We Wash Foreign Cars with Imported Water