NOVEMBER 1, 2000

NEWS

New Microbrewery Opens

The new BEARWHIZ BREWERY opened last month and has become a favorite stop for both residents and tourists. This all natural brew using the golden water found throughout the town results in a unique, slightly salty flavor. Listen to the jingle as we fill your glass; it may take a minute. ENJOY!

DUCK HUNTING

Two flatlanders had come to Beartown on a weeks vacation to go duck hunting. They had spent a lot of money on a boat, clothing, shotguns, and a purebred Retriever. For the entire week they had seen many ducks but were unable to bag any. Knowing they would be humiliated by their friends back home if the failed to get any ducks they carefully analyzed their hunting proceedures step by step.
Finally one of the would-be hunters decided on the problem, "I think we're not throwing the dog up high enough."

KNOW YOUR GROUPS

Army of frogs, bale of turtles, barren of mules, cast of hawks, convocation of eagles, down of hares, draught of fish, dray of squirrels, gaggle of geese, grist of bees, hover of trout, murder of crows, skulk of foxes, sleuth of bears, tribe of goats.

CHURCH NOTES

On a recent Sunday during our Minister's annual vacation, a substitute from Rutland County came to deliver the service. Unfortunately the congregation consisted of only one man who was a farmer. The preacher asked him if he thought he should go on with the service.
The farmer thought awhile and then replied, "Well, Reverend, if I put some hay on the wagon and go down to the pasture to feed the cows and only one cow shows up, I feed her."
So the substitute minister went through most of the service, including a full length sermon. Afterwards he asked the lone member of the congregation what he thought of it.
"Well, Reverend, I'll tell you. If I put some hay in the wagon and go down to the pasture to feed the cows and only one cow shows up I don't give her the whole damn load."

Did somebody say Beartown?

Heavy Rains Destroy Bridge

Last month's two day deluge washed out the bridge in Chipmunk Hollow near the Nutley Farm on Friday evening Oct. 20. The State's Bridge Engineer and his staff were ordered to review the situation immediately. At 10AM the following Monday, the State Engineer and the Superintendent of the Division arrived at the Town Garage. They were greeted by the veteran Road Commissioner.
"Henry," said the Superintendent with words that quivered with energy, "I want this job rushed. Every day increases the cost to the taxpayers. Have you got the Engineer's plans for the new bridge?"
"I don't know," said the Road Commissioner, "whether the Engineer has the picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the traffic is passin' over it."

CLASSIFIEDS

Beartown Radiator Repair "Best Place in town to Take a Leak"
Taxidermitize Inc. "We really know our stuff"
Mute Muffler Shop "No appoinment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Beartown Electric "Let us Remove your Shorts."
Clearview Optometrists "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Butcherblock Etc. "Pleased to Meat You."
Appliance Galore "Don't kill your wife! Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
Beartown Men's Store "20 men's wool suits $10. They won't last very long."
#1 Dry Cleaners "41 Years on the same Spot."
Joe's Bar "Good Clean Dancing every night but Sunday."
Beartown Hotel "HELP! We need inn-experienced people."

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
War Dims Hope for Peace

NATIONAL NEWS

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Plane too close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

STATE NEWS

Farmer Bill Dies in House
Teacher's Strike Idle Kids
Stolen Painting Found by Tree

SIGNS

On maternity room door "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH"
In podiatrist's window "Time wounds all Heels."
In maternity ward "No children allowed."
In a restaurant "Open 7 days a week and weekends."