Bear News Beartown News

OCTOBER 1, 2008


NEWS


Pat Garrett’s Moose Shootin Mama song for Sarah Palin:

Well she’s a moose shootin’ mama
And she’ll help keep our country free
She’s a moose shootin’ mama
She’ll make a great big P
When she looks you in the eye
You know that girl don’t lie
She’s a moose shootin’ mama
Yes, Sarah is the girl for me
She’ll help the prez keep our taxes down
And clean up Washington
Get them pork-barrel boys on the run
Man, this is gonna be fun
And it’s drill, baby, drill
Cause we’re paying way too much
Maybe what this country needs is a woman’s touch


Why parents drink


 
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to
see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope,  propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to 'Mom' With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Dad and you.  I have been finding real passion with Stacy
and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Jon

P.S.
Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I
love you.  Call me when it's safe to come home.
             

JOINING CHURCH

A crusty old man walks into the  First Beartown Church and says to the secretary, 'I would like to join this damn church.

'The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'

'Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!'

'I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.'

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, 'Sir, what seems to be the problem here?'

'There is no damn problem,' the man says. 'I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.'

'I see,' said the pastor. 'And is this bitch giving you a hard time?'


TOP 10 COUNTRY/WESTERN SONGS

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9.   I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke Up With a Few
8.   If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7.   I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6.   Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5.   I'm So Miserable Without You - It's Like You're Still Here
4.   My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3.   She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2.   She Gets Better Lookin'  with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1.   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.



Email: dernc@sover.net


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by VTweb.com