Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President recently. He told
Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken,
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,
"Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
County Clerk's Office
A woman, renewing
her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman
recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to
"What I mean is,"
explained the recorder,
"do you have a job
or are you just a...?"
"Of course I
have a job,"
snapped the woman.
list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,"
said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same
situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a
career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title
like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your
What made me say it? I do not know. The words simply popped out.
Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as
though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly emphasizing
the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my
pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official
the clerk with new interest,
"just what you do in
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,
"I have a
continuing program of research,
the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would
have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters,
(the whole darned
already have four credits
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day,
(24 is more like
it). But the
job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the
rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I
was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs
I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in
the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt
I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official
records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than
"just another Mom."
Motherhood! . What a glorious career! Especially when there's
a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations"
"Executive Senior Research Associates"?
I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts
Breast of a Songbird
Take the breast of a
songbird mashed real thin
Then sing a little song in remembrance of him
Use salt and pepper then roll it in flour
Fry it real hard for a half an hour
Take it out of the skillet and drain off the fat
It takes three or four songbirds to fill up a cat
So ya have to find a bunch of em out in the street
To even make a sandwich out of songbird meat
Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking
by Jeff Eberbaugh
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and
summons him to the IRS office.
An IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph
shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you
explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.
"How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said,
"Okay, go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says,
It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you
two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes
the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good
eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on
one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket
on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he
looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy
can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream
reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when
Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet
me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here
and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd
be happy about it."