Bear News Beartown News

October 1, 2006


NEWS

IRAQ

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President recently. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken,
almost whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"



County Clerk's Office


A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.  She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.  "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job or are you just a...?"
"Of course I have a job," snapped the woman.
"I'm a Mom."
"We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.  The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation?" she probed.
What made me say it?  I do not know.  The words simply popped out.
*"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."*
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.  I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.  Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"
Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply,
"I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm working for my Masters,
(the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters).  Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).  But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.  Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.  I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!  And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom."
Motherhood!  .  What a glorious career!  Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
"Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"?  I think so!!!  I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".

RECIPE

Breast of a Songbird

Take the breast of a songbird mashed real thin
Then sing a little song in remembrance of him
Use salt and pepper then roll it in flour
Fry it real hard for a half an hour
Take it out of the skillet and drain off the fat
It takes three or four songbirds to fill up a cat
So ya have to find a bunch of em out in the street
To even make a sandwich out of songbird meat

From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


IRS  AUDIT

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
An IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph
shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said,
"Okay, go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way!
It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."



Email: dernc@sover.net


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