OCTOBER 1, 2000

NEWS

Many, many, many thanks for your overwhelming support in the recent primary elections. There were many look-a-like candidates but the public certainly saw through any disguises and I WON THE PRIMARY! You may be assured that there will be no monkey business in my administration if I'm elected in the upcoming November Elections. My family and I heartily thank you for all votes past and future.

Thank all you voters for the seven votes I received. I fully endorse the primary winner and always knew he was the best creature for the position.

Many thanks for the four votes cast at me. My support is now completely behind The Great Ape that beat me.

FREE

Puppies: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 Sneaky Neighbors Dog
One can of stew with purchase of 3BR, 2 Bath house
Puppies: Part German Shepard, part dog
German Shepard: 99 lbs Neutered. Speaks German.
Parachute: Never opened, used once, slightly stained.

FOR SALE

Cows, calves, never bred; also 1 gay bull.
Washer: Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
84 Toyota Hunchback $1899.
Nordic Track: $295. Hardly used. Call Chubby
1 man, 6 woman Hot Tub $600.
Joining Nudist Colony. Must sell washer and dryer $250.

EVENTS

Alzheimers Center holding An Affair to Remember

ALERT

Will the person or person that took the large pumpkin on River Road near Hawk Hill please return the pumpkin and be checked for radioactive contamination. All other plants in the area are dead.

FOUND

Dirty white dog near Joe's HAWG FARM. Looks like a rat. Better be reward.

Did somebody say Beartown?

CONSTABLE'S REPORT

I have decided to share with the public the statements given to me following the unusually high number of accidents in Beartown during September. I urge everyone to be especially cautious in October as once again the leaf-peeping flatlanders arrive to violate most all the Rules of the Road.

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had the accident."
"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end."

WEDDING

Farmer Brown and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once." A little further down the road the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice." After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a rifle and shot the horse.
His brand new wife was extremely upset and told him "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."

SIGNS of the TOWN

Clock Shop: There's no present like the time
Travel Agency: For the family that strays together
Hearing Aid Center: Let us give you some sound advice
Pet Shop: Going out of business - Lost our leash
Reducing Salon: A word to the wide is sufficient
Nudist Camp: Clothed for the winter
Twice Robbed Bank: The bank where the action is
Optometrist: Eyes examined while you wait
School: In the event of atomic attack, the Federal ruling against prayer in this school is temporarily suspended
Apparel Shop: Our clothes not only make girls look slim; they make men look 'round'
Milk Truck: Our cows are not contented! They're anxious to do better

CONGRATULATIONS
from your Secretary and your Daughter