NEWS
ICE FISHING
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a
frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and
began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour
without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a
hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing
line.
It only took about a minute and
WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the
fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just
luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few
minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the
old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all
this time.
He went to the boy and said,
"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have
been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish!
How do you do it?"
The boy responded,
"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.""
"What was that?"
the old man asked.
Again the boy responded,
"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"Look," said the old man,
"I can't understand
a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit out his mouth full, and said,
"You have to keep the worms warm!"
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SEASONAL NEWS
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as
allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former
worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old
woman, known only as
Mary,
claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close
to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time",
that she was constantly talking about her relationship with
God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a
press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that
"the
facts of this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as
the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several
angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the
affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to
do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether
the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a
Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political
contributions.
If
these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent
crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments
for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a
"tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a
bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have
pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation
of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to
fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
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RECIPE
EPILEPTIC ROAD KILL
Drivin home from town one
late afternoon
There by the road was a real strange coon
He was twitchin and jerkin and jumpin up and down
I stuck my wallet in his mouth and held him on the
ground
I thought he may have damage to his brain or spinal
cord
Or may have been the victim of a sixty seven Ford
Why I tried to save his life is really strange to me
But an epileptic coon is really strange to see
His vital signs were stable but his pulse was
ninety-five
I took the wallet from his mouth, he turned around
and died
I did post mortem care and I put him in a poke
He'd had an epileptic fit but he died of a stroke
I fried him in a skillet cause he was already dead
Served with fried potatoes and buttered cornbread
From
Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking
by Jeff Eberbaugh
A PARABLE
ABOUT NUTLAND
12/18/06
In a place called Nutland, inhabited by
industrious squirrel types, a terrible and
haunting problem had arisen.
The problem was with Nutcounters.
Nutland had a Nutcounter for many years, and all
seemed well. This Nutcounter would manage all the
nuts collected and use them where needed, as they
were needed.
You see, all the workers in Nutland would turn in
a set number of their nuts for the running of
Nutland.
The Nutcounter was good at his job, and all seemed
well. Nuts came and went with no major problem.
But this Nutcounter had to retire; moving nuts
around for so many years had tired him out. So he
left with praise from all.
In his place came a young newly trained Nutcounter.
He did not have a lot of experience, but he tried
very hard. In fact, to please, he may have tried
too hard.
When questions came, he went to his boss and other
advisers of Nutland for guidance. He thought he
was doing well, but things were not as they
seemed.
Soon furry tails were running all around saying
things are wrong. These tails belonged to the
advisers that the counter had been working with.
The advisers were saying things were so bad the
new counter must go.
The new Nutcounter was blamed for many things,
including mismanagement of the Nutland nuts. And
he left.
Another Nutcounter had to be found, and they did
find one. Now this Nutcounter had no real
training, but all were assured he was the one.
Things went well as far as anyone could tell. A
couple of problems came up or got overlooked, but
the newest Nutcounter said all was well.
As the new budget was being readied, a problem
showed up. No nuts.
The Nutcounter said there were not enough nuts to
go around.
All those in charge looked around. A lot of furry
tails were seen scampering around looking for
nuts.
Again fingers were pointed, mostly at the last two
Nutcounters. But no matter, more nuts were needed.
It was said there were not enough nuts for Nutland
to survive.
Everyone worked hard on the problem, changes were
made, books checked and checked again. Dedicated
nuts were used. It was a dark time indeed.
Many sacrifices were made by all for the good of
Nutland.
To everyone's surprise the Nutcounter said,
"I found the nuts. I had
them all the time. I just forgot where they were."
No one could believe it. With all the problems
with the other Nutcounters, never had anyone heard
of a Nutcounter misplacing hundreds of thousands
of nuts.
Well, things settled down, and with a lot more
work Nutland was back on track, so to speak. And
all hope the nuts are all back in their proper
place.
Now everyone is left to wonder what will happen
next to the nuts in Nutland.
Could this spread to West Nutland or even the town
of Nutland?
TOM LaFOND
West Rutland
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