Bear News Beartown News

January 1, 2007



It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line.
     It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
     The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
     He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
     The boy responded,
"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.""
     "What was that?" the old man asked.
     Again the boy responded,
"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
     "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit out his mouth full, and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"


     Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper.  The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.  Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." 

     In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily"

     Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men"Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. 

     Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. 

     If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.  Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.  



Drivin home from town one late afternoon
There by the road was a real strange coon
He was twitchin and jerkin and jumpin up and down
I stuck my wallet in his mouth and held him on the ground
I thought he may have damage to his brain or spinal cord
Or may have been the victim of a sixty seven Ford
Why I tried to save his life is really strange to me
But an epileptic coon is really strange to see
His vital signs were stable but his pulse was ninety-five
I took the wallet from his mouth, he turned around and died
I did post mortem care and I put him in a poke
He'd had an epileptic fit but he died of a stroke
I fried him in a skillet cause he was already dead
Served with fried potatoes and buttered cornbread

From Gourmet style Road Kill Cooking by Jeff Eberbaugh


In a place called Nutland, inhabited by industrious squirrel types, a terrible and haunting problem had arisen.
The problem was with Nutcounters.
Nutland had a Nutcounter for many years, and all seemed well. This Nutcounter would manage all the nuts collected and use them where needed, as they were needed.
You see, all the workers in Nutland would turn in a set number of their nuts for the running of Nutland.
The Nutcounter was good at his job, and all seemed well. Nuts came and went with no major problem.
But this Nutcounter had to retire; moving nuts around for so many years had tired him out. So he left with praise from all.
In his place came a young newly trained Nutcounter. He did not have a lot of experience, but he tried very hard. In fact, to please, he may have tried too hard.
When questions came, he went to his boss and other advisers of Nutland for guidance. He thought he was doing well, but things were not as they seemed.
Soon furry tails were running all around saying things are wrong. These tails belonged to the advisers that the counter had been working with. The advisers were saying things were so bad the new counter must go.
The new Nutcounter was blamed for many things, including mismanagement of the Nutland nuts. And he left.
Another Nutcounter had to be found, and they did find one. Now this Nutcounter had no real training, but all were assured he was the one.
Things went well as far as anyone could tell. A couple of problems came up or got overlooked, but the newest Nutcounter said all was well.
As the new budget was being readied, a problem showed up. No nuts.
The Nutcounter said there were not enough nuts to go around.
All those in charge looked around. A lot of furry tails were seen scampering around looking for nuts.
Again fingers were pointed, mostly at the last two Nutcounters. But no matter, more nuts were needed. It was said there were not enough nuts for Nutland to survive.
Everyone worked hard on the problem, changes were made, books checked and checked again. Dedicated nuts were used. It was a dark time indeed.
Many sacrifices were made by all for the good of Nutland.
To everyone's surprise the Nutcounter said, "I found the nuts. I had them all the time. I just forgot where they were."
No one could believe it. With all the problems with the other Nutcounters, never had anyone heard of a Nutcounter misplacing hundreds of thousands of nuts.
Well, things settled down, and with a lot more work Nutland was back on track, so to speak. And all hope the nuts are all back in their proper place.
Now everyone is left to wonder what will happen next to the nuts in Nutland.
Could this spread to West Nutland or even the town of Nutland?
West Rutland


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